All I Want For Christmas

Some women want jewelry; others want designer bags. Not me. I want to play Jedi mind tricks on American political leaders. According to the official Star Wars website, “the Force can have a powerful effect on the weak-minded, a phenomenon Jedi sometimes take advantage of in pursuing their missions.”

Perfect.

What’s my mission? To make 2017 better than 2016. It’s a low bar. If I could just harness the Force, I’d point it directly at our “weak-minded” lawmakers so they would…

  1. …Stop worrying so much about where other people go to the bathroom.

I’m looking at you, North Carolina. When the most well-known piece of legislation to come out of your statehouse is called the Bathroom Bill, it’s time to reflect upon your governing priorities. This panic over public bathrooms is the very definition of a First World Problem, and I use the word “problem” loosely. If you are really that concerned about bathroom habits, consider focusing your time and resources a little further away from home.

Fun Fact: nearly 2.4 billion people in the world don’t have proper toilets (according to the World Health Organization.) So instead of demanding that we show our birth certificates to the ‘potty police’ every time nature calls, consider writing a check to UNICEF.

  1. Remember that America asks the world to “give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses, yearning to breathe free,” even when those huddled masses come from Syria.

Half the population of Syria has been displaced and a generation of children is growing up in refugee camps without education or security or hope. Why isn’t our government doing more about it? I’ll tell you why: because we can never be 100% sure that a terrorist won’t slip in among those refugees!

I can’t argue that, but let’s unpack the threat. Suppose 1 of every 1000 refugees is a terrorist (a totally absurd assumption since in fiscal year 2016 we admitted over 6,726 Syrian refugees, of whom exactly zero were terrorists). Canada had welcomed over 25,000 refugees as of last February, and none of them is on Santa’s naughty list.

If we welcomed 25,000 Syrian refugees and if 1 of every 1000 was not only a terrorist but also successfully committed a terrorist act, approximately 44 Americans would die in those attacks (fatality assumptions based on 2016 data).

That means we won’t risk the chance that 44 Americans might die, in order to save 25,000 people. Either this great country is filled with cowards, or we are bad at math. Or possibly both (given the falling regard for all things scientific or fact-based, and the tiny percent of us who serve in the military).

  1. …Act like decent humans.

It doesn’t seem that hard, does it? Yet time after time, our elected leaders behave like babies (at best) or heartless bastards (at worst). I am tired of turning on the news and hearing about a certain someone grabbing women by the privates, whining about his press coverage, and threatening to create a Muslim registry. I don’t know what’s more exhausting: keeping track of it all, or sustaining an appropriate level of outrage. But what can I do about it?

If I get the Force for Christmas. I will play my Jedi mind tricks. And by this time next year, the 24-hour cable news cycle will go dark for lack of material because our president will actually be presidential. We’ll have some new Americans with whom to celebrate the holidays. North Carolina will no longer be the butt (ha ha) of much bathroom humor.

If my stocking is empty, however, I fear 2017 may be even worse than 2016. In which case, I will seriously consider relocating. To a galaxy far, far away.

 

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The Last Time I Got Harassed By a Strange Man

If you guessed yesterday, congratulations! Four jerks in a parked car made me afraid in my own neighborhood and ruined my day.

Because so many women have been sharing their stories of harassment and assault lately (thanks to the presidential campaign, these topics are in the news), here is mine.

My day started out just fine. It was a crisp, cool morning. The sun was shining, the leaves were gorgeous, and I was listening to NPR Weekend Edition on my iPhone while walking the dog. We were strolling along one of my favorite routes, beside a pond in a residential neighborhood where I always see ducks and geese, and sometimes wild turkeys.

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I noticed an SUV parked on the other side of the road, and four young men were sitting in it with the windows down. As I passed, one of them yelled out at me, “How you doing, beautiful?”

I stopped in my tracks. Did I just hear that? WTF???

 Then I had a split second to decide what to do. Ignore it? Engage in constructive dialogue about appropriate behavior? Unleash 30 years of frustration and anger, condensed into a stinging one-liner that’s sure to make him really, really sorry?

I wish I could report I did something vengeful or witty, but all I did was look at him and ask, “REALLY?

As in: Really, you have the gall to harass me in my own neighborhood? Really, you weren’t raised better that that? Really, you are so confident in your safety and dominance that you feel entitled to say absolutely anything to me, even though you know you are scaring me?

Because that was absolutely his intention. After I turned away and high-tailed it out of there, I could hear him yelling at me. I was afraid to turn around. I was never so glad to have my 80-pound shepherd-mix-who-looks-like-a-Doberman by my side. If not for my dog, I would have been terrified. There was no one else around and there were four of them, one of me.

At this point, you may be thinking, “Come on, Laura, he just made a harmless remark. He probably meant it as a compliment.” You would be wrong. What 20-something man sees a 40-something woman in jeans and a baggy sweatshirt (hair in ponytail, no makeup) and says something like that? He knew what he was doing; he probably does it all the time. There is no excuse for it.

The whole episode brought back terrible memories of times in my life when I encountered this kind of crap a lot more often. My entire early 20’s, when I lived on or near military bases and could not go running outdoors without being harassed by the cars passing by (I just turned up my music). The time I went to a Patriots game and was groped by a stranger in the crowd. Jogging on a beach vacation just a few years ago, when an asshole in a car yelled nasty things at me as he drove by (what is it about being in a car that makes these men lose all sense of decency? We can still see you!).

But all this is just part of being female and having a pulse. I hate it, I think it’s wrong, but I’m used to it. I’m glad more people are talking about now and calling it unacceptable. And despite yesterday’s incident, this happens to me less and less as I get older (maybe the dude yesterday wasn’t wearing his glasses?).

My friends, save your sympathy for the next generation. The worst part of getting harassed yesterday wasn’t that I felt afraid (though I did) or that I was looking over my shoulder for the rest of my walk, wondering if they would follow me (they didn’t, thank goodness).

No, the worst part was sitting down with my 13-year old daughter and telling her about it, and talking about how to handle it when this happens to her. Not if. When. She’s taller than me and looks like an adult. She walks around our town all the time.

And her middle school bus stop is 100 yards from where this incident happened.

Good luck, honey. You’ll need it.

Is Donald Trump Really a Genius About Taxes?

After last week’s revealing New York Times article which speculated that Donald Trump may not have paid federal taxes for at least 18 years, his campaign surrogates took to the microphones in response to all the fuss.  “The man’s a genius,” declared Rudolf Giuliani, former mayor of New York City.  New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said the story simply proved how qualified Donald Trump is to overhaul the tax code.

 For his part, Trump tweeted: “I know our complex tax laws better than anyone who has ever run for president.”

 Really?

 Because if you read the entire Times article, the last few paragraphs featured some pretty revealing insights from Trump’s tax preparer at the time, Jack Mitnick.  Here is the first:

 “[Mr. Mitnick] had long handled tax matters for Mr. Trump’s father, Fred C. Trump, and he said he began doing Donald Trump’s taxes after Mr. Trump turned 18.”

 Think about that for a moment: Donald Trump never, not even once, filed his own tax return. Never completed a 1040 EZ like most of us do when we turn 18 – a rite of passage signaling the arrival of adulthood and full citizenship. Not for Trump – Daddy’s accountant handled that for him.

 But surely as his business interests grew along with his assets, he must have learned how to leverage the tax code to his advantage. He must have educated himself on the basics, if only to protect his wealth and maximize its value. Right?

 Wrong. Mitnick remembered Trump and his wife when they reviewed and signed the tax returns he had prepared for them.

 “[Mr. Mitnick] contrasted Fred Trump’s attention to detail with what he described as [Donald’s] brash and undisciplined style. He recalled, for example, that when Donald and Ivana Trump came in each year to sign their tax forms, it was almost always Ivana who asked more questions.”

 If that’s true, Donald Trump may actually know much less about the tax code than the rest of us.  He’s never filed his tax returns without professional help, and apparently he expressed little interest in understanding what was on the pages he signed.  And yet he boasts that he knows more about the tax code than “anyone who has ever run for president.”

 This is what worries me. I don’t actually care that he used the tax laws to his advantage; I am in the same camp with those who say, “Don’t hate the player – hate the game.” The tax code is what it is. I have never heard any American claim to willingly pay more taxes than he legally owes.

 I worry because Trump believes he’s an expert in something he knows nothing about. This shouldn’t surprise anyone; it’s part of a pattern. He’s previously claimed to know more about warfare than our decorated military leaders. He repeatedly brags about his outstanding temperament (when he’s in between tantrums or resting his thumbs after a 3 a.m. tweeting session).

 But his supporters believe he’s a tax genius, when in reality he probably couldn’t find the signature line without the little yellow post-it arrow his accountant affixes to his returns. If Donald Trump is elected president, he is in for a big surprise when he signs his first tax return in office.

 After all, the presidential salary is $400,000. There are few loopholes or offsetting losses from businesses, so a President Trump would likely have real taxable income on which he would pay actual federal taxes.

 Possibly for the very first time.    

Who Wants Some Kale?

I have way too much. Like the crunchy, liberal New Englander I am, I get a weekly farm share. Massachusetts has a relatively short growing season – California, we ain’t – and therefore my farm share is limited to what grows here, which apparently is lots of kale. It’s exceptionally hardy, as anyone knows who has ever tried to chew it. Kale is not for the weak-jawed.

Every Thursday afternoon I gather my reusable bags, slip on my Birkenstocks, and drive my Subaru over to my CSA pick-up location. My car stands out as the one that’s NOT a Prius, and also because I don’t have a Bernie Sanders bumper sticker or a magnetic paw that asks the rhetorical “Who Rescued Whom?” If anyone suspected I don’t love kale, I’d probably be chased away by an angry mob tossing kohlrabi at my head. If you aren’t sure what kohlrabi is, you definitely don’t have a farm share.

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Despite the kale, I love my farm share. I go all in with the add-ons: bread and homemade granola from an artisan bakery, whatever fruit is in season, and eggs from what I have to assume are the most pampered chickens in America given what I pay for a half dozen. I love the lettuce, the fresh garlic and peppers, and the endless tomatoes from late July through early September. You might as well not celebrate summer if you aren’t eating sliced tomatoes with salt on a regular basis. Mine taste even better because I didn’t have to grow them myself (I’m about as good at gardening as I am at appreciating kale).

My first year in the program, I asked a fellow CSA member what she did with kale. “Kale chips are the best,” she swore. “Just toss them with olive oil and salt and bake them – they are just like potato chips!”

Here’s what I learned (spoiler alert if you’re preheating your oven right now to cook up a tasty batch): kale chips are to potato chips what a vegan tofu loaf is to filet mignon. Anyone who thinks one is an acceptable substitute for the other is either a dirty liar or an unfortunate misfit who probably never gets invited to potluck suppers. The kale chips did not get an encore in my kitchen.

So I tried pureeing my kale in a savory potato cheese soup, but even my trusty hand blender couldn’t break down the stringy fibers, which were kind of a buzz-kill to the velvety mouth-feel of potato cheese soup. I also tried ripping my kale into tiny pieces and added it to a stir-fry, which seemed fine but only confirmed that kale is not spinach. It would not yield to heat or sauce; it continued to vex me with its impenetrable strength.

Finally I tried to replicate a fairly palatable kale salad I’d had in a local restaurant, and that was OK until I paid attention to how much olive oil and shaved parmesan were required to make the aforementioned salad taste good. In the end, the salad was decent, but it probably had more calories than a Big Mac Super-sized Value Meal. Foiled again.

So here I am, cooking up my other farm share delights like garlic scapes and cabbage and spinach. I’m toasting the rustic farm bread and topping it with a very precious golden egg, adding a sprinkling of fresh herbs over the creamy yolk. My kale sits forlornly aside, but it will not go to waste.

For I have found a lovely solution to my “too much kale” problem. I have recently become acquainted with a delightful young guinea pig named Petunia. Apparently, she and others of her ilk do not believe one can ever have too much kale. I look forward to a symbiotic summer with Miss Petunia, and am grateful to her for helping me out with my little problem.guinea-pig-tan

Now if only I can find an animal that likes kohlrabi.

Is There Anything Sadder Than Costco in January?

When I went shopping just after Christmas, my local Costco was virtually unrecognizable. All remnants of Christmas had vanished, as if the entire holiday season (signs of which, by the way, appeared in early October) had never happened. And so I lie awake at night and wonder…did they sell ALL those neatly wrapped boxes of Belgian chocolate? ALL the 8-foot tall teddy bears? Every last pallet of Panettone?

Just days before Christmas, the place had been a happy madhouse. There were traffic jams near the meat counter, long lines at checkout, and a parking lot situation that looked like the bumper cars at the state fair – but the Christmas spirit prevailed. I don’t know why; perhaps the marketing geniuses at Corporate determined just which Christmas songs were best suited for both calming the nerves and opening the wallets.

The Christmas Season at Costco is a playground for the senses. Holiday tunes drift magically from the player piano ($2,799.99!). The high-pitched whirr of a blender makes milkshakes, which are offered to shoppers by a nice lady demonstrating a Vitamix. You can walk down the row of home goods and plunge your arms elbow-deep into throw blankets that feel like real fur.

Of course, the warehouse is still a warehouse – it never quite attains the glistening visual appeal of a Crate and Barrel – but it’s also not nearly as breakable. Thank goodness for that, because it’s easy to get distracted by a giant inflatable snowman and accidentally ram your cart into a pallet of grapefruit.

But the very best thing about Costco during the holidays is the merchandise. For a limited time, you can practically get diabetes just by standing too close to the desserts. They have coffee cake, tiramisu, peppermint bark, shortbread cookies, apple pies, and tins of “biscuits” with pictures of European cities on them. Nearby, the endless piles of toys beckon. My kids are too old for most of them, but it’s still fun to browse the remote-control cars and hover boards and packs of 100 colored pencils, sharpened and ready to go.

Alas, all that good stuff disappears the day after Christmas. When I arrived and showed my member card at the door, I entered a different world.

The store was silent – no more music. Just the shuffling, snow-booted feet of the shoppers in front of me, wiping icy slush (ugh!) from their practical footwear. Such are the sights and sounds of winter in Massachusetts, with no Christmas to distract us.

After Christmas, there is not one fun thing left in that store. Apparently, January is the month when we pay for our holiday sins. The dessert section was replaced with industrial size jars of protein powder, which presumably we need to add to the diet green smoothies we’ll grudgingly consume until spring break (and made with that new Vitamix!).

What else is featured in Costco after Christmas? Well, lots of mattresses. Respectable-looking furniture (nothing too funky or hip). Throw rugs. Among the sweaters and coats, a lone table of women’s bathing suits mocks me, as if to say “It’s too cold to wear us now and you’d only depress yourself by squeezing these over your pale, over-fed body.” I can’t deny it.

I still go to Costco, because life goes on and we need milk, laundry detergent, and wine. Lots of wine (the next best thing to Christmas for distracting one from winter in Massachusetts).

On the bright side, the crowds have thinned considerably and parking is easy. Costco is like church – after Christmas, you see who the regulars are. And you wait for the next holiday, when it will be warm and crowded once again.

What’s the Worst Thing That Can Happen When a Boy Plays With a Toy Gun?

If you watched any part of the recent 24-hour A Christmas Story marathon, you might think you know the answer. The classic holiday film features a white boy named Ralphie who desperately wants to find a Red Ryder Carbine Action 200-shot Range Model air rifle under the Christmas tree. Much to his dismay, everyone with whom he shares this heartfelt wish (his mother, his teacher, even a department store Santa) rejects the toy as too dangerous. “You’ll shoot your eye out!” they proclaim.

But the story of Tamir Rice tells us that the “worst thing” that can happen, actually, is being mistaken for a criminal who is brandishing a real gun, and being killed by police who shoot first and ask questions later.

Last week, a grand jury in Cleveland declined to press charges against the officer who shot and killed Tamir. Timothy J. McGinty, the prosecutor in the case, said the boy’s death was “horrible, unfortunate, and regrettable. But it was not, by the laws that bind us, a crime.”

Perhaps McGinty’s statement is actually the “worst thing,” for it did nothing to assure parents that any black boy playing with any toy gun couldn’t reasonably expect the same fatal outcome. He reported that the officer who shot Tamir had reason to fear for his life, implying that the fatal shooting was merely an unfortunate consequence of Tamir’s own actions. Actions identical to those of Ralphie in A Christmas Story. Each boy was playing with a toy.

Several recent news reports confirm that the worst consequence for any particular behavior may depend upon the skin color of the one doing the behaving.

Sandra Bland (African American) allegedly changed lanes without signaling, which didn’t result in anyone being harmed. She was arrested and jailed, then mysteriously ended up dead in her cell. The officers involved claim she killed herself, but her family doesn’t believe it. A grand jury declined to indict anyone.

Eric Garner (African American) allegedly sold individual cigarettes on the street, which didn’t result in anyone being harmed. A video recording clearly shows him being choked to death by a police officer and his death was ruled a homicide. Again, a grand jury declined to indict anyone.

Meanwhile, a white male named Ethan Couch drove drunk and killed four people, then pled guilty to four counts of manslaughter (Tamir Rice, Sandra Bland, and Eric Garner never went to court or entered pleas – they didn’t live long enough to do so). But Ethan was sentenced to 10 years probation and no jail time. Now that he’s been apprehended for apparently violating probation, maybe he’ll face real consequences. He will probably survive.

These news snippets are selective, but they highlight a painful truth that is undeniable to all but the most blind. While America has spent the last century desegregating our institutions, giving all Americans access to the same rights and privileges, the criminal justice system is a stubborn holdout and still has a long way to go. As long as it’s not working for each and every one of us, it’s not working at all.

With that in mind, what’s the worst that can happen when a boy plays with a toy gun? For now, unfortunately, that depends on the color of the boy’s skin. America can celebrate progress when a boy like Tamir wants to play with such a toy, and his mother’s only warning is “You’ll shoot your eye out!”

What This Veteran Wants You to Know

Every year, I appreciate all my friends who wish me a Happy Veterans Day because they are kind enough to remember that I wasn’t always a boring, middle-aged suburban mom and part-time consultant. In my youth, I sailed upon the high seas aboard the Navy’s finest warships in search of adventure and glory. Or so I recall. It was a while ago.

Because it’s Veterans Day and everyone seems inclined to indulge us vets, please allow me to offer a few thoughts about the military to my civilian friends:

  1.  I hate the phrase, “boots on the ground.”

I don’t know why this grates on me so, but it’s like nails on a chalkboard whenever I hear it. Politicians and pundits like to pretend that anything short of thousands of soldiers advancing against the enemy isn’t really combat. Sorry folks, but creating no fly zones counts as an act of war. So does enforcing an embargo with destroyers or dropping bombs with unmanned aircraft. If it makes us uncomfortable to call it what it is, maybe we shouldn’t be doing it.

  1. Not all veterans are homeless, drug-addicted, or unemployed.

Some of us are pretty well adjusted, actually. I am totally for helping vets in need – I support several nonprofits that serve vets and I’m glad to do so. But some initiatives are just wacky. In Boston this year, the mayor had this crazy idea called Operation Thank a Vet, which involved volunteers knocking on veterans’ doors and “thanking them for their duty and sacrifice” while providing information on services and aid.

Our mayor grew up in Boston so he should be more familiar with the ways of your average New Englander. We loathe awkward chitchat with strangers who show up on our porch unannounced while the Patriots game is on. Just send me a Starbucks gift card via drone and stay off my property.

  1. Also, not all of us are male.

At first glance, this is a lovely picture of three brothers reconnecting at a WWII commemoration.

World War II veterans and brothers Tommy Mazzareilla (Marine Corps), left, Phil Mazzareilla (Navy), center, and Henry Mazzareilla (Army) enjoy the '40s music of the Liberty Belles at a 2005 commemoration of World War II at the Charlestown Navy Yard in 2005. (U.S. Navy photo courtesy of Wikimedia.org)

World War II veterans and brothers Tommy Mazzareilla (Marine Corps), left, Phil Mazzareilla (Navy), center, and Henry Mazzareilla (Army) enjoy the ’40s music of the Liberty Belles at a 2005 commemoration of World War II at the Charlestown Navy Yard in 2005. (U.S. Navy photo courtesy of Wikimedia.org)

But look closely and you’ll see that whoever was in charge of entertainment made certain assumptions about the audience. I wonder if any WAVES from WWII showed up to be “honored” by scantily clad pin-ups belting out patriotic tunes? I’m sure the show would take them right back to the 1940’s, when they served their country just like men except without military status or benefits. Good times.

  1. Navy SEALS are not like vampires.

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They may look un-naturally handsome and inexplicably strong, so Americans can be forgiven for thinking that “sending in special forces” means that everything is going to be okee dokey. We have all seen too many movies like Captain Phillips, Zero Dark Thirty, and Twilight, in which no situation is too impossible or too dangerous for the SEALS / vampires. The good guys always win.

SEALS may be some of the best-trained and best-prepared fighters we have, but I’m pretty sure they are mortal. And by the way, they count as “boots on the ground.”

  1. The best way to experience military life without living it is to read books by those who’ve been there.

This is my personal opinion as an avid reader. Some incredible literature has been inspired by military experiences. My highly-recommended favorites are:

And if you really want to know what life on an aircraft carrier is like, pick up Geoff Dyer’s Another Great Day At Sea. He’s a journalist who spent time aboard the USS George H.W. Bush and wrote a very accurate account of his time aboard.

One last bit of advice to my civilian friends on this Veterans Day: if you know me, you are welcome to knock on my door. Bring me a Starbucks or, if it’s after 5:00 pm, something stronger. You are welcome for my service.

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